I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
