New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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