what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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