I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
