So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
