Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
