The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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