I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
