No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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