dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
