My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
