I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
