There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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