So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
