have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
only you would photoshop your dick
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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