I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
