My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
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