My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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