my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
