In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
