I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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