can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
