That's when you crack a 10am beer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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