so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
