somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
