next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
