oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just cut my nipple shaving
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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