So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
