Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
