I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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