ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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