Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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