Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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