wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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