I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
