she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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