he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
