guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
