bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
