Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
