if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
