i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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