i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
