I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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