she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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