Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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