if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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