already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
