did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
