It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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