Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
