I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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