The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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